


The Edge of Lonely

by dramady, jeck



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Adam Lambert - Fandom, American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician), Kris Allen - Fandom, kradam - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-26
Updated: 2010-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-06 17:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramady/pseuds/dramady, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeck/pseuds/jeck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>COMMENTS:</b> AU. Angel!fic.<br/><b>A/N:</b> Inspired by pictures of Adam in the white suit, and by the exquisite <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/33134">wind up the sun and the moon</a>.<br/><b>SUMMARY:</b> Everyone is born with an angel to look over them. Sometimes those angels show up at the door, too. And they talk with a southern accent.</p><p><b>Disclaimer:</b> <span class="small">This is a non-profit, non-commercial work of fiction using the names and likenesses of real individuals. This fictional story is not intended to imply that the events herein actually occurred, or that the attitudes or behaviors described are engaged in or condoned by the real persons whose names are used without permission.</span></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Edge of Lonely

When Adam answered the front door of his home, he stood there, staring. He had his hand wrapped around the edge of the door and he was leaning on the doorjamb. He was wearing, for the record, an old t-shirt and even older sweatpants. His hair was all over the place, just towel-dried and nothing more. He looked like _crap_, okay? Everyone was entitled to look like crap every now and again, even rock stars. He hadn't planned on leaving the house anyway. He almost hadn't answered the door either, except that he was expecting Thai delivery any minute.

And now that he _did_ answer the door and it _wasn't_ Thai food being delivered, he was staring. " ... are you who I think you are?"

Kris looked a lot worse for wear; pathetic and dirty. He looked up at Adam and one corner of his lips quirked and he shrugged his shoulder slowly. "Hey," he greeted. "It's me. Kris." In case Adam didn't recognize him minus the glow and the wings that he always thought made him look like a dork anyway. "I'm ... here."

Except that Adam's eyes narrowed even more. "Shit," he cursed, then immediately winced. Then right after that, he shook his head. He could swear if he wanted. "What did you _do_?!" He asked, standing up straighter, his hands on his hips. "What did you do."

~*~

_Two years before ..._

Adam sat slumped in the back of the SUV with the blacked out windows. He was slumped low in the seat and he pulled his sunglasses off, letting them fall to the seat. He didn't even open his eyes, he was so tired. Party after party after party, where he needed to be seen, to have his picture taken, to smile, always. Months of this on end. Coming off endless promotion and smiling even when he was on the radio. Life of the American Idol wasn't easy. Not that he expected it to be! Just that, well, "I want a vacation," he muttered to himself.

"Then take a vacation," the voice came before he even began to appear; a haze that slowly grew brighter. "Get on your phone and book one or somethin'." Kris was sitting across from Adam in the long limo, smiling at him.

"OH, SHIT." Eyes flying open, Adam scrabbled to the far end of the seat and stared. "How did you get in the car?! Who are you. I can have you arrested!" Already, he was reaching for the button to draw down the privacy screen.

Oh, crap! Kris should have known that Adam was going to freak out. He put both his hands up and shook his head. "Calm down, Adam. I'm not going to hurt you or anything. Look at me." Adam had about a good head over him. "I've been sent here to help you and I'm, y'know, trying to help you, a'right?"

"Sent here to help me?!" Okay, guy was crazy. And a little cute.

But _crazy_. Adam needed to keep his priorities straight.

Wait.

Adam frowned at suddenly-appearing-guy. "Why do I know your voice? Have you been stalking me?"

Kris rolled his eyes. "That's kinda my job you know - as your guardian angel? Been whispering in your ear since you were brought in the world and all that." He gestured with his hands moving around in circles. "And you're not going crazy. I'm tellin' you the truth. We can't lie."

"Uh-huh." As could probably be predicted, Adam didn't believe him. "Driver?" He called. "There's a stalker in the car with me? Call the police, okay?" Which seemed like the rational thing to do.

Except when the driver looked through the rear view mirror and said, " ... sir? Are you sure? ... I don't see anyone." And he even cranked the mirror around to look, even as he was pulling over.

"He's sitting _right there!_" Adam pointed. "What do you mean, you can't see him?!"

"You're not even supposed to see me but I'm letting you, a'right?" Kris kind of glided toward the side where Adam sat. "No one sees me but you right now and it's because you need a vacation and I'm telling you to go take one cos you don't wanna know what's gonna happen if you don't."

"O... kay." But Adam was still pressed to the corner of the backseat.

The car came to a stop, the driver climbed out of the front and opened the door to the back, peering in. "... sir?"

When Adam had climbed out of the car, he pointed right at the guy in the back seat. "You don't see him."

"... I don't see anyone, sir," the driver answered in a flat tone, indicating this might not be the first time he'd dealt with celebs who were a little right of sane.

His hands on his hips, Adam stared right at Kris as he said to the driver. "... my bad. You know what they say about bad vodka."

But when he was dropped off in front of his house, Adam dashed to his door, unlocking the front door and slamming it behind himself. He keyed the alarm off, then back on and took a deep breath. Okay. Whatever that was, it was over. He could go to sleep and forget it ever happened.

Only thing was, Kris was right there waiting for him in his bedroom, standing in the middle of the room staring as Adam walked in. "Well?" He asked. "Go get on the phone and ask your assistant to book you a few days off." Kris spoke like he didn't just freak Adam out.

"Oh. MY GOD." Jaw clenched, Adam pointed a finger at him. "How did you get in here?! You realize that you made me look insane back there, right? How is that supposed to help my cause?! Why are you wearing plaid? You said you've been whispering in my ear since I was baby. What does the even _mean_?!"

Kris let out a deep-seated, slightly impatient sigh. "You did have that much to drink y'know? Driver just thought you were drunk." He shrugged and then looked down at himself. "And there's nothing wrong with plaid. I wanted to blend in."

He paused before going on. "... what do I have to do to make you believe me, huh? Tell you all about your little secrets growing up? Stuff only you would know? Do I have to pull magic tricks like disappear and reappear somewhere else? Or did you wanna see what I really look like?" Kris cocked his head at Adam and put his hands on his hips. "So?"

"What does that mean, 'see what you really look like.' What does that mean." So maybe Adam had had too much to drink, so? The last party had been _boring_, okay? And he's spent most of it dodging Perez. "Show me. If you think you're so whatever it is you are. Show me who you are. Though if you ... turn into an alien or something, I'm just going to scream. A lot."

"Then scream. Your neighbors will think you're belting out some song anyway," Kris teased, grinning and then he took a step closer to Adam.

"A'right. A'right. Look at me." Kris closed his eyes and slowly there was this almost ethereal glow surrounding him. Kris was more or less a haze that would show his wings more like a silhouette from a brightness that came from behind him and inside him. He blinked his eyes open and looked directly at Adam. "Don't freak out on me, man. Don't you dare faint."

"... I don't faint," Adam told him absently, too busy gawping at him. However, he plunked down into the chair by the window. But he didn't faint. "Holy shit, you're an angel. Like ... a real angel. And I just said 'shit' to a real angel. Je- fu- _Shoot_."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Kris rolled his eyes and then the whole glowing thing stopped and he was back to his converse, tight jeans and plaid shirt, pulling the hem of his shirt back into place, looking infinitely more comfortable.

"And you curse like a sailor sometimes so don't go watching what you say to me now. I've seen it all and heard it all, in case you forgot." Which made Kris give himself a head shake, expression making clear that yes, he'd seen _everything_. "Some we both would rather not remember huh?" He smirked.

"Oh, help." Adam slapped a hand to his face so his words came out all muffled. "You were really there the whole time? And if you were there the whole time," he said, uncovering his face to once again point accusingly. "Why didn't you make high school less sucky, huh? The least you could have done is dealt with the acne. Seriously."

"Hey. I just sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, man. I don't do miracles. Not in my job description." Kris walked toward Adam and sat down on the arm of the chair that didn't really dip because it wasn't like there was any real weight there.

"So that day at Burning Man? I'm glad you listened y'know? Now you're here and now I need you to listen again, okay? You need a break. Make it happen." Kris reached out slowly and touched Adam's hand, patting it. "Trust me."

"Trust you, he says. I'm on my own special episode of Touched by an Angel," Adam muttered. Burning Man. Holy crap. That was Kris? Not the LSD? Adam shouldn't have been disappointed by that, so why was he? Weird. "Great. What kind of angel doesn't do miracles, anyway. I got the short end of the stick angel-wise." He was quick to glance over, though. "No offense."

Kris frowned. "Don't knock Touched by An Angel, dude. A lot of that stuff's true cos the guy who made it used to be one of us." He pulled his hand back; it wasn't as if Adam would really feel that except maybe some kind of warmth on his skin. "And quit the short jokes. It's not funny. But look, I do stuff but not the miracle kind a'right. I can't make you all skinny and stuff and give you a whole new outfit. It's not like granting wishes. Don't got no bottle; I'm no genie. You said you want a vacation. I'm telling you go take it. So quit being stubborn and do it."

"Wow, you're bossy." So, angels had positions in high places in Hollywood. Huh. Adam never would've guessed that.

Demons yes, but not angels.

"What stuff do you do if it's not cosmetic?" And sure, his skin tingled after the angel pulled his hand away, okay? "Nothing sinful in wanting to stay thin." He reached into the pocket of his jacket though, and drew out his phone, scrolling through to find his agent's cell number. "She's going to be mad at me calling at two AM, by the way."

"Just do it, Lambert. She'd be pissed but that won't last." Kris stood back up and was pacing around the room and the look on his face was like he was trying to recall things, which he was, going through Adam's life and pulling out events from a time when it was far easier to convince Adam of things.

Adam kept looking at Kris as he waited for his agent to answer. Amanda sounded _very_ sleepy when she answered and he felt guilty. And it wasn't like he could say _"my guardian angel told me to call you."_

Because that would make him sound _crazy_.

But when he hung up twenty minutes later, Amanda had promised to rearrange Adam's schedule and book him on a week's vacation first thing in the morning. "I love you," he'd told her and he ended the call. "There," he told the angel once again perched on the arm of his chair. "Happy?"

Kris was grinning at Adam and nodding his head in approval, even giving him an angel-pat on the shoulder. "It's not me that needs to be happy. Now go get some rest. Things'll be better in the morning."

Hopefully, all this would have been some kind of weird hallucination. Burning Man, right? Adam had heard about acid flashbacks that happened years later. Maybe that was this. He'd wake up in the morning and not remember any of this. This was what he thought as he washed his face and brushed his teeth dutifully before falling into bed.

And sure enough, when he woke up ten hours later, there was no angel sitting on his chair or anyplace else. "I need a vacation," he whispered again. When he checked his messages, he realized he had one. Amanda had booked him one. Tahiti! For a week! "Oh, thank God," Adam murmured, still lying like a starfish in the middle of his bed. His room was empty, and even though it was tempting to dismiss last night as a weird bad-vodka-induced hallucination ... he couldn't. Weird.

~*~

After a week of hot stone massages, room service and doing nothing more for hours on end than stare out at remarkably blue water with his feet buried in the sand and his phone turned off, Adam had to admit he felt better than he had in a _long_ time.

Not that he would attribute that to any kind of angelic intervention. He'd just been overly tired, okay? He was still smiling even as he climbed into the back of the limo at the airport, heading back home.

"You really should've hooked up with that guy." Kris's voice hovered in the air before he slowly materialized in front of Adam. "Now you're thinking about it." The angel shrugged a shoulder.

"Real angels, like from God, don't try to promote extramarital - or any kind, I'd think - sodomy." It was a credit to just how relaxed Adam was that he didn't jump right out of his skin. He did push his sunglasses up to look over at the source of the voice though. "Are you more tan too, or am I imagining that? Don't answer. I don't even know your name. Do you have a name? I don't even remember the guy's name, though. He was cute, wasn't he?"

"He was a'right." Kris shrugged a shoulder but he was looking at Adam and smiling. "You look better. And you know you have free will, man. It's what you do with it that matters. Should've listened to me about the sunscreen, too." He smirked. "And they call me Kris. Just -- Kris." He kind of glowed a little when he said that, too. It was a revelation.

"You're a jerk. Angels shouldn't be jerks either. Kris-the-Angel." Who knew angels had names like Kris? "I expected, like ... Gazabriel, or Mogazamel or something. I mean, not like I'd been thinking about it. Kris." The name fit him, Adam found. Kris-the-angel was cute, too. If glowy. Which, it was to be noted, wasn't the same as sparkly. This too was a revelation. "So you were there the whole time?" Even the time he'd jerked off in the shower?

Kris scoffed. "Lame names, you ask me. It's really Kristopher but no one had called me that in ages." And by ages he meant, well, _ages_. "I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything either. You're just really stubborn and need someone to be a bit tougher on you. You have a destiny, in case you haven't noticed. I need to make sure you stay on that path so I'm always there. I don't go anywhere. I've never once left you." Yeah. Even when he was jerking off. "...even if sometimes I don't directly watch you. I'm no perv, okay? Stop thinking that."

"Thinking what?! If you can read my mind? Sorry for your life," Adam retorted, laughing, sunglasses back on place. But he was grinning. He even still grinned as the rest of what Kris-the-angel said sank in. "What do you mean, destiny?" Adam wasn't even sure he believed in God, okay? Let alone destiny.

Kris rolled his eyes. "Don't really have a life but yeah. That head of yours..." The angel just shook his head but he was grinning a bit, too. "Think of where your life is going right now. From where you were. Think about that and then tell me you don't feel like you're not meant to do this. Everyone has a destiny. Everyone has a road they need to take. It's up to you, man, to listen to it and use that free will given to you to either take it or not take it."

"So my destiny is to be a rock star? Huh." Adam looked back at Kris as he contemplated this. "Not exactly Mother Theresa, is it?" Not that he was complaining; he knew his limits; slaving in abject poverty was better left to someone else. "So, really, this is all you do? Hang out and watch me? ... Do you get, like ... bored? Or whatever?"

"Can't tell you what your destiny is. You gotta live it, whatever path you choose to take. Telling you is kind of like ruining a surprise, y'know?" But then Kris slouched in his seat and smiled. "With you? It's never boring, Adam. Trust me on that. Good thing you're no Mother Theresa." And Kris-the-angel laughed.

It was a great laugh.

~*~

Life picked back up after the vacation to the usual frantic pace. There was a difference though. Adam would find himself at odd times looking around to see if he could see Kristopher-the-angel, but he never could. Kris had said, though, that he was always there.

It was more comforting than Adam had thought it would be.

On his way from an interview to a benefit, he called Brad. It wasn't something he did very often, but when his ex picked up, Adam asked, "how much of Burning Man do you remember?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"No," Adam laughed. "I'm just wondering. It was when I got the idea to try out for the show, right?"

"Are we traveling down memory lane?"

"No, I'm just ... do you believe in destiny?"

Even though they were on the phone (or bluetooth, as it were), Adam could practically see Brad tapping his chin.

"Yes. I believe in destiny. Why? Are you now thinking we were destined to be together, because - "

"No!" Adam was quick to cut him off. "No, nothing like that. God." Though Adam did find himself wondering just then, but only for a moment. "No, I was just curious. Do you believe that there are ... forces? That control our destiny?"

"Are you high?"

"Brad!" Adam rolled his eyes and stomped on the brakes at the same time behind a car that came to an unexpected stop. "No. I'm just ... wondering."

"There are bigger things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, honey. Quit being so introspective."

"Yeah, I love you too," Adam responded dryly. "Bye."

"Bye!" Brad chirped, and the call ended.

When traffic started moving again, Adam said to his empty car, "are you here? Can I, like, summon you?"

Kris showed up suddenly sitting beside Adam and he had his seat belt on and everything. "I told you I'm not some genie that appears if you rub the lamp hard enough. You gotta learn not to talk and drive even with that thing in your ear. Just saved your life, man. Or more your checkbook. That guy'd have cleaned you out."

"I'm here now, so, whataya want from me?" Kris was _teasing_.

"I was braking in plenty of time," Adam told him, brow arched. "And using my song titles is ... weird. Anyway." He took a deep breath and looked at the road. "Were Brad and I destined?"

"You were destined to meet and everything else that came with, yeah." Kris remembered all that time that Adam was with Brad and he stayed plenty far away. "Whatever is in the future," he shook his head, "can't tell you that." He turned a bit in his seat to face Adam, his eyes bright and wide watching his face. "Why the question?"

"Does everyone have a guardian angel?" Adam asked. He knew it wasn't an answer to Kris's question. "Are there other angels out there who answer more questions?" But he grinned over at him. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going on, is all. I mean, if you've been here this whole time, you know that I'm not exactly devout. And why aren't you Jewish? See? These are the things I wonder."

"Look, man, I'm not omniscient, a'right? I can't answer all that." Kris gave Adam a look that was part apologetic and part concerned. "Eveyone's got an angel. Someone's gotta look out for you mortals."

"Y'know, you think too much." Kris smiled, then, and it was a gentle one. "Don't try and figure out what's going on. Just look ahead and choose the right stuff, you know? Don't go messing with other people's lives and don't sin and all that. That's what matters."

"Don't sin, he says. You realize that if it's my destiny to be a rock star, what that entails, right?" But Adam had to smile. "Sin. And I do want to eventually get laid again, right? That's a sin. I bet you're kind of wishing you had a different subject now, aren't you?"

"Do I hafta keep reminding you that you got free will, a'right. There are ways to be a rock star that doesn't mean you gotta step on everyone under you and stuff." Kris rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Get laid. Like is that on top of the list now? Should I go disappear before you pick someone up cos I don't really wanna see that. And keep your eyes on the road before I gotta go save your ass again."

"Yes, sir." But Adam couldn't help but smile.

~*~

The door slammed behind him and Adam let his jacket drop over a chair before he threw himself into a chair, burying his face in his hands. Of course the relationship would blow up in his face. Of course it would. Again. Maybe this was why Kris wouldn't tell him about what was coming. Because Adam would want to smash his head against a table. Repeatedly.

Kris was there, of course he was. He glided to where Adam was on the chair, unseen and he reached out a hand and placed it on top of Adam's head. A little comfort coming from his hand, a warmth he sent to spread over Adam. _I'm here. You're not alone._

"It wasn't like I wanted to marry the guy," Adam said, the words muffled in his hands. "But I really liked him. I really thought ... I don't know." When he took a deep breath, it felt like the warmth spread through him a little bit. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to warn me. Would it?" But his words lacked real sharpness. "Shit." Then, "sorry."

Kris knelt down in front of Adam, peering into his face. He reached out and just as his fingers wrapped around Adam's wrists, he revealed himself. "I'm sorry."

That little bit of warmth he'd felt suddenly trebled and Adam couldn't help but gasp, his eyes blinking open to see Kris so _close_. And so _clear_. "... you're beautiful," he whispered. "It's not your fault. I just must have shitty taste. In men, I mean. In angels, I guess I kind of lucked out."

"Lucked out, huh? Thought you said I was a jerk?" Kris smiled a small, sad smile then slowly he wrapped his arms around Adam, allowing him to feel his presence, to feel _him_. "I couldn't tell you, you know that, right?" He said, knelt in front of him, arms completely around Adam now.

It wasn't that Adam could hug Kris back, really, but it felt like he _could_. He closed his eyes and reached out and even though he could feel Kris hold him, he felt ... nothing. "That's what you keep saying. I would make a crap angel. I'd totally tell."

"Yeah. You probably would. It's why you shouldn't quit the day job." Kris's voice was soft, whispered and he had his eyes closed, feeling Adam against him; each time Adam took a breath, each heartbeat, each sigh that escaped. He willed it with all his might that Adam would feel him, too, would take comfort in his arms and in that moment, Adam _did_. And it was amazing.

"You're really good at this, though," Adam told him, not pulling away, not even _wanting_ to. "Is this part of your job? Because if it is, I wish you would've done this sooner." It did occur to him that if someone walked in, he'd look more than a little insane.

"It's part of it, yeah. But I did. Each time," Kris whispered by Adam's ear, "I was always there. You just didn't see me."

Kris didn't pull away either. Even when his wings were revealed, though muted, wrapping around Adam, cocooning him in love and light and warmth. Kris was there even if no one else was, even if Adam was alone he never truly was. Because Kris was always there.

~*~

The Grammys performance went off without a hitch and when Adam was standing there, listening to the applause, he couldn't help smiling up at the ceiling. _I know you're there._

~*~

It became a habit, see. Adam just kind of got used to the idea that Kris was there. It was more than getting used to it, even, it was that it made things _easier_.

"You're smiling again."

"What?" Adam turned to see Cassidy standing behind him, right in his own living room. "Hi, you! I didn't know you were coming." He gave his friend a hug. "I hardly see you anymore!"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Shut up." But Adam was grinning. "You said I was smiling again? Have you been stalking me?"

"Of course," Cassidy replied with a laugh. "But no, seriously, everyone's talking about how you're just all smiley these days."

"I'm smiley these days?" Adam hadn't even been paying attention. "Huh."

Cassidy moved closer, lowering his voice. "What's his name?"

"Whose name?" Adam replied quickly, feeling his face heat.

"The boy who's making you smiley."

"Oh." Adam rubbed at the back of his neck. "There's no boy."

"Well," Cassidy told him. "Then I want what you're taking."

"Shut up." Slapping at Cassidy's arm, Adam looked away. _ I know you're here_.

And Kris was. Because he was always there.

~*~

Somehow, Adam found that he just wasn't dating. That he hadn't been in a date in _months_. True, it wasn't that he had the _time_. But he also found himself without the inclination.

He was still horny, mind you. His sex drive didn't die. But well, he had to be honest. It was hard for a lot of guys to compare favorably to an cute _angel_ with that Southern accent, after all.

After a night of dancing, Adam came home alone, pulling of sweat-soaked clothes as he headed to the shower. When the water was warm enough, he climbed in and stood under the stream, his face upturned. Body wash was squirted onto his hand and he ran them down his chest, his stomach and between his legs.

"Sexual healing ... " Adam sang under his breath as he stroked himself. "When I get that feeling ... fuck." The water felt on his body and his hand felt good, too. "When you get warm like you do, I imagine how you'd feel," he whispered. "I imagine. _Kris_."

"You can hear me. I know you can." Adam smirked a little as his grip tightened. He leaned against the wall, letting his knees go weak. "I imagine your hands. How warm they are. Shit, I'm gonna come."

"Don't," Kris whispered to himself where he hovered at the doorway. "Don't do this, Adam."

"I can't help it," came the breathy answer. "I can't help it." Adam's eyes were shut tight and he gave over, focusing only on how good it was to make himself _come_. "Oh, _God_, yes! Kris!" He nearly fell down with the force of his orgasm, which made him laugh amidst it all. Wouldn't Kris have to catch him? "Fuck!"

Yes, Kris was quick to be there though not in a physical form that Adam could see. But if Adam could see him, he would see Kris's eyes narrowed, his brow creased, his face etched with concern and worry. "You could have hit your head, you know? I told you not to do it." He was frowning and maybe that, Adam would sense.

"Shit," Adam gasped, still stroking himself, his tongue running along his lower lip. "I wish I could kiss you right now. I wish I could touch you." When he reached out though, he felt nothing and all good feelings fade. "I'm ... lonely. Please, Kris."

It didn't take an angel to be able to tell that Adam was lonely. It was all seen in his eyes. They were sad eyes and Kris could feel the loneliness, too. He felt it all and, like always, he wanted to make that disappear. For a very brief moment, almost like a blur, he let Adam see him, his face, his eyes. "Don't be lonely," he said, smiling slightly, "I'm here." And then Kris slowly disappeared. "I'm always here."

~*~

But after the little incident in the shower, as Adam took to calling it, he didn't see Kris for weeks. Kris might have been there, but Adam never saw him. Things seemed to get more complicated too; small things that added up to leave him exhausted and irritable, snapping at anyone who came near. It had been a year since he'd won American Idol and it was time for him to return to perform for the next season's finale.

He didn't want to be there and he made sure everyone behind the scenes knew it, though it didn't show in his performance. And at the after party he had _way_ too much to drink. He was sent home with Ryan looking at him pitifully. Which had to have been a sign if nothing else if _Seacrest_ was feeling sorry for him.

Adam slammed the front door of his house behind himself. "God_damn_it, Kris! You say you're here?! Then I want to fucking _see_ you! I want to see you right _now_." He went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed the bottle of Grey Goose, holding it up. "C'mon. Or are you a coward?!"

It was like a bad movie with no plot and a bad ending. Kris still didn't show himself but he let Adam physically sense him, a hand on him and a warmth he let Adam feel.

"NO!" Adam lurched away, jerking from under the touch. "That's not what I said. I said I want to _see_ you! I want to _see_ you." He whirled himself around in the middle of the room, staggering some. "Show me. _Show me_!"

Kris shook his head even if Adam couldn't see it and then in the air, he spoke. "Adam..." Even to the angel, his voice sounded just as pained as Adam's was, if only softer, gentler and without that anger that was present in Adam's voice. "I'm here." Though, still, Kris didn't appear.

"Why can't you give me this one thing?! I don't ask for anything. I didn't ask for _you_. But I got you. And then you touched me and we looked at each other." For a moment, Adam's face creased with pain before it contorted with anger again. "And it messed up _everything_. I want you! SHOW ME!" Almost petulantly, he went to throw the bottle, but stopped himself, cradling the vodka to his chest as he moved toward the stairs when nothing happened. "Sometimes," he muttered. "I hate you."

Kris turned away from Adam and closed his eyes. _Don't hate me_, Kris thought, _I'm sorry_. He did send the thought clearly, as clear as Adam's intoxicated mind could hear. _I can't. I'm sorry_.

"Do you even know what it's _like_?!" Adam crawled onto his bed, flopping onto his back, Grey Goose still in one hand. "Do you ... have _any_ idea what it's like to have ... to feel what you felt like and to not have that? To know that there isn't a fucking guy in the whole fucking world who will make you feel like you made me feel?! Damn you, Kris! I _dream_ about you. I fucking -- I ... I jack off to you. I wonder what it would feel like if I could _feel_ you, and you won't even fucking _show yourself!_ And you wonder why I'm so fucked up?! Kris! Goddamnit! Fine."

Adam dropped the bottle and pulled at his clothes, just getting his pants down far enough to reach his hand in. "You have to watch me. It's part of your job. So _watch me_. Watch me."

His jaw was clenched and he was jerking himself off mercilessly, no pleasure showing on his face. "You have to watch me. So _do it._"

Kris sighed and shook his head slowly, a hand going to his chest and clutching at his plaid shirt, pain there; Adam's and his. This? This was all his fault. "Adam... Adam..." He mumbled his name again and then Kris was slowly approaching, stopping at the foot of the bed. "I'm here, okay? Stop. Please. Stop. I'm here."

There he _was_. Kris. Beautiful. Adam practically whimpered, the strokes his his hand speeding up as he stared, mouth open for panted breaths. "Do you want me? Do angels get horny? Do you want me, Kris?" Adam asked, licking along his lower lip. "Do you fuck up there? I dream about you. I dream about you touching me. Touch me, Kris. _Touch me_. God, please." His heels, still in his heeled boots, dug into the bed.

"Adam..." Kris said again, his voice a lot more pleading that before, his lips down-turned, eyes sad. He wanted to answer Adam's questions, wanted to go to Adam and yes, touch him like he asked. Because if there was one thing that was his weakness, that would be Adam asking him for anything. _Anything_.

Kris watched, looked at Adam, at his hand, the way it moved over himself, his face, the expression there, the way he looked at Kris. He sat next to him, the bed, as always, not dipping with his weight.

Tentatively, Kris reached out. His hand touching his cheek, sliding down in a soft caress, then he was brushing back Adam's hair from his eyes. "I'm here," Kris whispered.

Adam's eyes closed to slits trained on what he could see of Kris and he gasped out another sound. "I want you. I want _you_. _Kris_," he whispered. "Fuck, I'm gonna come." Even with all he'd drunk, just that fleeting touch of Kris's fingers made him feel like he was on _fire_. "Oh, God, yes."

When Adam had finally stopped trembling, stopped stroking, Kris shifted beside him, lying down, wrapping Adam in his arms and then Kris whispered in his ear. "I'm here with you, 'kay? I'm here."

There was that warmth that was so intoxicating. Adam reached for Kris again and made a soft, lost sound when he couldn't feel anything, not really. "Stay," he whispered, though. "Stay with me. Kris, please. Stay with me." He leaned back just enough to see what he could of Kris's face. "Just for tonight. Stay?"

That sound Adam made hit Kris with an ache so deep that he had to shut his eyes and hold on to Adam a lot tighter. He focused all his energy toward Adam, a warmth radiating all around him, his love and light emerging just as his wings did. They open up slowly, glowing brighter than they ever had before and then they wrap around both Adam and Kris as if cutting them off from the world.

Kris kept his hands on Adam's face, cradling his cheeks, looking into his eyes and smiling tenderly, sweetly at him. "I'll stay." He kissed Adam on the forehead, letting his lips linger, letting his love fill Adam with peace ... at least for tonight.

~*~

When he woke up the next morning, hangover coming on in full force, Adam reached over on the bed for someone. For Kris.

But he wasn't there, at least not physically.

Adam turned onto his other side and he closed his eyes tight, the other pillow over his head. His chest ached. He ached.

~*~

There was a take-out box of chicken wings and a six-pack of beer on Adam's coffee table. There was a bass player on Adam's couch. Adam himself was curled in an easy chair, not quite paying attention to the horror movie on his TV, which was for the best. The movie was gory as shit.

"Chromeskull is _amazing_," Tommy crowed, eating another wing. "Are you watching?"

"Huh?"

"You're missing it," Tommy accused, which Adam thought was pretty amazing, considering how the movie was mostly screaming and sounds of rending flesh.

"You know I don't like horror movies," Adam answered, looking out the window instead.

"You wanna watch something else?"

"Do you believe in angels and stuff?" Adam asked, instead.

"Uh... " Leaning forward, Tommy reached for a beer, prying the can open. "I dunno. Why?"

Adam shrugged. "Just curious."

"Did you have an out of body experience?" Tommy asked, grinning.

Adam's smile was vague and half-hearted.

"Guess there has to be something, huh? So I guess I could believe in angels, yeah," Tommy finally said.

"Yeah," Adam said, chin resting on his hand. "Me too."

~*~

His first worldwide tour was kicking off the next day. Adam was at home, still, his stomach in knots. It was the last moment of real quiet he knew he'd have for seven months. He was _nervous_, pacing from one end of his living room to the other. He'd kicked everyone out, but was now wishing he'd at least had his mom stay. "It's going to be fine, right?" He asked.

He didn't call on Kris much these days. There seemed, even in his own head, a kind of anxious distance that existed between them now. "Kris, I'm sorry. I just ... I need you right now."

Kris had been watching Adam while he was perched on the sofa, his head cocked his brows knitted together, worried for him, as usual. But as always, it was his voice that came first before he revealed himself to Adam.

"You're gonna get an ulcer like that, you know that, right?" He showed up in another plaid shirt and jeans and his Tom's, slouching on one end of the couch. "Or an aneurysm." Kris was now grinning at Adam.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" But Adam was smiling, just a little bit. Seeing Kris there again made him pause his pacing and put a hand over his heart without even realizing it. "Are you coming on tour with me?"

"How many times do I have to tell you," Kris stood up and walked soundlessly over, looking up at Adam, gliding higher so they were eye to eye, while he searched Adam's face, "I'm always with you." The way Kris said that was a mix of sounding slightly annoyed and fond at the same time. "Are you ... worried I won't be?"

One of Adam's shoulders shrugged and he looked away for a moment before looking back. "Not exactly worried." But he took a deep breath and confessed to the one ... being, he supposed ... who would understand. "I'm scared."

At that Kris's eyes narrowed, worry in them, but he chose not to look into Adam's thoughts. "Why are you scared? Just don't be too stubborn." He smiled lopsidedly because if and when things happened - and they would - it was just part of what Adam needed to go though, little hiccups and bumps in the road. "Follow your heart and you'll do a'right, y'know?"

"My heart doesn't always do the right things," Adam found himself whispering as he looked back at Kris, what he could see anyway. He still thought Kris had the most beautiful eyes of anyone he'd ever met. "After all," he said as he turned to begin pacing again. "It fell in love with you." He didn't look back to see if Kris was still there.

~*~

Tokyo, as amazing as it was, was a blur to Adam, a haze of neon and jet lag. He nearly sang the wrong words to "Fever" and he nearly fell on his ass during a dance number. Then, after, no matter how much of the bright blue shots he drank, pushed into his hand by friends and strangers alike, he couldn't sleep. He stood at the window of his room, hands pressed to the glass, forehead resting against the glass, the city silent though it seemed to buzz.

And, as always, Kris watched. "Adam," he whispered softly, still staying at the other side of the room, still not revealing himself. "This has to stop, y'know? It's not gonna change anything so quit being stubborn."

"What?" Adam turned away from the window, since he couldn't see Kris in the glass, of course. "What has to stop? Kris?" Irrational anger filled him at seeing the angel again. "Oh, wait. Is this one of those things you whisper in my ear so that I can stay on my path?! Is that what has to stop?"

"No. What you're doing to yourself has to stop. Look at you." From the glass window, Adam should be able to see just how he looked - tired, haggard and, much to Kris's dismay, angry. "This is all my fault. I did this to you and ... I can't fix it if you don't help me, if you don't help yourself. You know how irrational this is, right? How this can't happen." Kris looked up to the heavens as if pleading for them to let him go to Adam, touch him, embrace him, _feel_ him.

"I'm not doing anything to myself," Adam whispered, forcing himself to look away, He closed his eyes and rested his head against the glass. "I'm just so _tired_." With another sigh, he said, "go away, Kris. You can't do miracles, remember? I'll be fine."

"Do you really want me to go away?" Kris voice was soft, sad, and slowly he appeared but only just a mist, not really physically there, but enough so that Adam could see him; not in plaid, not in jeans but how he really looked like. "Do you really want me to go? Say it and I will."

It was nearly too bright; Adam had to squint, a headache already starting in the backs of his eyes. "I don't know," he whispered. "I don't know anything." Aware of how pathetic he sounded, how self-pitying, he couldn't seem to help it. "You said it, Kris, not me. Nothing can change."

Kris hovered closer, looking into Adam's eyes a hand reaching out but he didn't dare let Adam feel his touch. "I'm sorry. This is all my doing, all my fault. Maybe it is best for you that I go away."

Adam closed his eyes and pain etches itself on his face, but he didn't say anything.

When he opened his eyes again, he was in bed. The clock said ten AM the next morning. He'd slept deeply and he hadn't dreamed. He sat up and set his feet on the floor, his head in his hands.

~*~

It wasn't exactly that it got easier; that would be a lie. However, the routine of the tour, of press, sound check, show, travel, then do it all over again settled in and Adam got through the days. After another two months, he stopped looking up, stopping thinking _I know you're here_.

In some ways, it was a relief. Grief could be somewhat cathartic. Even liberating.

The shows in the states were tremendous successes and he was able to end the tour on a high note with a whole month off to look forward to. When he got home, the driver set his bags down, Adam tipped him and then he closed and locked the doors and headed upstairs to take a shower in his own bathroom, in his own shower. Then he went to order Thai and put in a movie. He was _free_ and looking forward to it. Being alone wasn't a crime. Or a punishment, after all. This was what Adam kept telling himself.

So, when he opened the front door, to say that he was surprised was an understatement. " ... are you who I think you are?"

Kris looked a lot worse for wear. "Hey," he greeted, nodding his head. "It's me. Kris. I'm ... here."

"Shit," Adam cursed. "What did you _do_?!" He asked, standing up straighter, his hands on his hips. "What did you do."

"I, uh," Kris scratched the back of his neck. "I kinda made a choice," he answered, looking up at Adam's face. He seemed a little surprised at just how tall Adam was without him having the ability to hover higher and see eye to eye.

When Kris had said that, another car pulled into the driveway and Adam watched the driver step out with a bag. The Thai. When he came up the walk, Adam pointed to Kris. "Can you see him?"

Looking surprised, the delivery person looked at Kris, then back at Adam. "Yes?"

"It's not a trick question. Can you see him," Adam said.

"Yes. Yes. I can." And the driver held out the bag. "Twenty-seven dollars."

Adam ducked inside to get his wallet. He paid the driver and took the bag, then he looked at Kris for a _long_ moment. "So... come in already." And he stood aside, holding the door. "Are you ... I don't know ... hungry?"

Kris hesitated a little but then he stepped across the threshold and looked around Adam's house with new eyes. Then Kris chose to look at Adam then, giving him a nod, a hand placed flat on his stomach. "Uh - yeah. I-I am. Yeah."

Even as Adam led Kris down the hall to his kitchen, he kept looking over his shoulder. He fetched forks, not chopsticks, from his drawer and then took them to the table and set the bag down. He stood there for a moment and didn't turn around. "I'm freaking out," he admitted, his chin to his chest. "Did you ... did you ... for me?"

Kris snorted. "You're freaking out? Imagine how I feel? Never had to walk before and I had to come find you." Which kind of sort of answered Adam's question without actually answering his question. Kris looked down at himself and then back at Adam. "I'm a little filthy here? There someplace I can clean up?" Another thing he didn't need to do before. "Then, I promise. We'll talk, a'right?"

It was the 'a'right' that brought it all home. This was _Kris_ and he was _real_ now. Human. Flesh and blood, at least that's what Adam assumed, seeing as the Thai delivery dude could see him. Adam turned around then, hands gripping the edge of the table. "Yeah. Sure. Um, you know where the shower is, right?"

"Yeah. Uhm. I remember." Kind of. Kris just had to find it since he could no longer just appear in it. "Just gonna wash up and get these clean." He lifted his arms, his hands and he walked toward the hallway, looking back at Adam over his shoulder. He took a few wrong turns but then found the more than familiar room and for the longest time Kris stood there remembering so many things from the first day Adam so excitedly moved in here, to a few not-too-pleasant things that Kris would rather not re-examine.

The bathroom found and a few minutes later Kris was back out, sleeves of his plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, his hands all clean and his face, too and then he was walking back toward the kitchen. "Uh. Hey."

"Hey." Adam had set the food out on the table, with plates. And glasses. He'd gone to get drinks but he had no idea what an ex-angel would drink so he was kind of standing in the middle of the kitchen wishing he'd done something with his hair. "Can you ... I mean, can you still read my thoughts or anything like that? Or are you... ?"

"Human?" Kris smiled lopsidedly, "Can't read 'em, dunno what you're thinking or feeling or what's gonna happen in the next five minutes," he finished, ticking things off with his fingers and then he was pulling a chair and sitting down. He needed to sit down. "So. Uh. Hi." Kris was actually fidgeting, fingers wringing together on his lap. "I'm guessing things have been quiet, huh?" Without him showing up and whispering to Adam anymore was what he meant.

Coming over, Adam pulled out the chair chair next to Kris's and sat down so that he could face him. "You really left? I thought so ... I ... I mean, it felt like you did, but I couldn't tell for sure." He knew he was staring, but he couldn't help it. " ... what do you want to drink?" He asked, realizing he was being a very bad host.

It was all right if Adam stared because Kris was doing the same thing. He ducked his head and nodded, then peered up a Adam, smiling at him. "Water would be great." At least that he already knew. He followed Adam with his eyes for a moment before looking away.

"I'm sorry to leave like I did. But--" Kris sighed and rested his neck on the seat back and he closed his eyes. "I screwed up your life and I had to go. I had to make it right." And it was the only way. He blinked his eyes open and he looked at Adam again. "Things are better though, right? It was the right thing to do?"

"Um, I don't know," Adam said as he brought the glass of water back. "I mean, I'm here, right? I survived the tour. I didn't do anything stupid." Well, really stupid, anyway. A few one night stands were expected for a rock star, right? Adam sat. And he stared. "Why'd you do it though? This? Can you, I don't know, _undo_ it?"

Before he answered, Kris took a drink of water. He put the glass down with a dull thunk and then he took in very deep breath. "There's no way for me to go back." And then he shifted in his seat, closer to Adam, looking him in the eye. "And I don't think I want to go back. I made a mistake by showing you who I was and there was no going back from that either."

"So, what. You made a mistake and you're human, whoops stuck?" Adam's eyes blew wide. "That's your ... what ... your punishment? That doesn't make any sense."

"No." Kris chuckled. "It was my choice, Adam. I chose to leave. I chose to come here and I knew that if I did, I couldn't go back." He smiled. "I'm glad that things worked out better for you once - once I was gone."

"But - " Adam set down his fork before he started tapping it on the table. "... I don't understand. So you ... you leave. You leave me. Then you ... fall. From _heaven_. And you come here. For me." And at that, he flailed his arms in the air and stood up. "What does that mean. Are you - I mean, Kris? Are you ... what am I supposed to do with you here?! You're ... you're still wearing plaid! And you're _cute_ and I made a total insane fool of myself over you when you were an angel and now you're here and you're not an angel anymore? Do I have another angel?! What is going _on_?!"

"Uhm." Kris just looked at Adam and shook his head. "Sit down." He pointed to the chair. "Cos that's an ulcer wanting to happen." He smiled again, trying to reassure Adam. calm him down. "One at a time a'right? First of all, there's nothing wrong with plaid." Kris looked down at his shirt and frowned. "I like plaid."

Kris sighed. "I didn't want to leave you, you know?" And Kris could still feel the pain of that choice as he looked up at Adam again. "But there was no other way for me to stop being your angel unless I quit being your angel and the only way I can quit being your angel was to quit being an angel."

"And that meant, what. That you became human? You couldn't just ask to be reassigned? That makes no sense! So you either stay with me or you get cast out?! Or cast yourself out?! What is that?!" And just to be stubborn, Adam didn't sit. He put his hands on his hips, even. "I don't understand. I'm trying to? And I just don't understand. If God makes it so you're either like perfect employee or out? That sucks."

Kris sighed. "You think too much. Nice to see some things haven't changed." He couldn't help the smile from spreading on his face. "We get one ward at a time and from the time you were born, you were mine." He shrugged, wearing a small grin. "I'm guessing you got a new angel now cos everyone needs one. Tell you what? I don't envy their job. You're a pain in the ass."

"Shut up, I am not." But Adam smiled, just a little, too, crossing his arms over his chest. "So ... how long have you been human? How long did it take you to get here?"

"Don't ask. Took me too long. Found myself in Arkansas and my last name is now Allen." Kris shrugged. "Had to find my way back here and it's a good thing I remember everything from, well, before." When he was with Adam, he meant. "Can you sit down now?"

Not looking away from Kris, Adam sat. And he reached for a box of what was now cold shrimp, and his fork. "I can't believe it," he said, sounding, well, disbelieving. He even imagined he heard a voice in his ear that was telling him to believe it, but that was probably wishful thinking. "I hope you like Thai food."

"I never had Thai food." Kris smiled back at Adam and he knew that somehow Adam believed him. "So. Uhm. What now?"

"Now?" Adam shook his head just a little. "I ... have no idea." But at least he had a month off so that they could figure it out. He hoped Kris would like Thai food. And sushi. It didn't at all occur to Adam to tell Kris to get out. Funny that.

~*~

Two days later, Adam and Kris stood in the middle of the Yves St. Laurent store on Rodeo Drive and Adam was holding up a pair of jeans and a shirt. "Try this."

Kris rubbed the back of his neck and looked a bit skeptically at the jeans. "A'right." He said as he took the jeans with a shrug. "Anything else so I don't have to make another three trips in the dressing room?" He grinned at Adam, teasing.

"Go on and go and I'll bring stuff in. You love shopping, don't try to pretend you don't," Adam told him with a smile. They already had bags from five other stores. Kris might like plaid, but that didn't mean it had to be all he owned. "The stuff you got at Chanel was amazing."

"You picked 'em." Kris shrugged but he was grinning back at Adam, too. "You're enjoying this more than anyone, I think." Which Kris could at least tell to be true judging from Adam's expression and the way he smiled. He was finding that out even if they've only been around each other like this for a couple of days.

The things he remembered -- the way Adam would smile, the way his brow rose, the way he'd turn to look away or even just a waggle of his brow or a quirk of his lips -- they all meant something and since he'd seen it all, he could more or less tell. Still, it was all so new that it was like Kris was getting to know Adam all over again. And he really liked that. He liked that a lot.

"There better be plaid. I like plaid. This store does not have plaid. You're holding out on me, Lambert," he called behind him, grinning as Kris walked back to the dressing room.

"They don't have plaid because it's not in fashion," Adam called after him, but he was smiling too, a little bit. Adam shuffled through the racks before taking a few more things back to the dressing room. "Are you decent? Show me. I have some other things for you to try."

"Yeah. C'mon in." Kris had just pulled those pants on and they were _tight_. He had just zipped them up when the door opened. "Uhm," he looked at Adam. "Are these really supposed to look like this?" Kris pointed down to the jeans, they were practically skin-tight though he was relieved he could still move.

"Yep." Adam came closer and turned Kris around to face the mirror. Then, from behind him, Adam hooked his fingers into the belt loops and tugged up a little bit before skimming his hands down the sides of Kris's hips. "There." His eyes were on the reflection of Kris's body before they flickered up to meet Kris's eyes. At that, he paused. "Um."

After a moment, Adam cleared his throat and stepped back. "Do you like them?"

Being touched. It was different from the many times he'd touched Adam himself; even those rare times he'd held him in his arms. This? This felt a lot sharper, more intimate, and it made Kris feel things inside him that he still wasn't sure he could define. He met Adam's eyes and he smiled. "They're comfortable. I like them. Do you like them?"

"I like them, yeah. They look great on you," Adam said, nodding. He ran a hand over his hair and stepped back. "So try it with that other shirt I brought back? The white one. There." He pointed.

Kris nodded mutely, and then he took a step toward Adam, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. "This is enough, right? Because that's a lot of stuff," he pointed to the clothes strewn around him, "and I don't need a lot of stuff." Then he kind of looked down at himself, the jeans and then over to the shirt, feeling slightly bashful about asking Adam to stop showering him with this attention. Kris wasn't used to it.

"I like clothes shopping. I have the money." Adam shrugged a little, looking down at where Kris was touching him. "I ... " He looked back at Kris, a half-smile creasing his face. "I promise not much more, okay? Then we can eat?"

Kris pulled his hand back and then he was unbuttoning his plaid shirt, shrugging that off which left him in a white sleeveless undershirt before pulling on the plain looking white shirt Adam had asked him to try. "Do you have anything against plaid?" He was grinning though because, yeah, this was good. Simply being with Adam was all good.

"I have a lot against plaid. Mostly because you're _really_ good looking and plaid doesn't do you justice." But Adam was still smiling, an almost gentle smile. "So, just try on that white shirt, then we'll go get something to eat, okay?"

"Okay." Kris looked up and met Adam's eyes, matching the smile, too. "Okay. Cos if you don't stop doin' this soon I'd might have to drag you out of here." He was teasing. And he was hungry.

Food and eating, Kris had come to find out, were things he most definitely enjoyed. Which was why he found them walking through the doors of a restaurant still with their bags in hand. "What kind do they have here?" Kris could smell the food and it smells amazing.

"This is Italian," Adam told him as they walked in. They had had all kinds of food, working to determine what Kris did and didn't like. Spicy stuff, he liked. Sushi he most definitely did not like. But if there was one thing that Adam could depend on, it was that Kris liked food. The door shut on a few photographers and Kris and Adam were led to a booth in the back. Adam slid into the booth, then gestured for Kris to follow, bags under the table for when they went to the car. "They have amazing manicotti here and the bread is to die for."

"I like bread." Kris looked up from the menu he was peeking at. "...and that stuff you dip it in." He smiled up at Adam, maybe letting his gaze linger a bit before looking back down. "Maybe I'll try some of this seafood stuff?" And at this he struggled to say the name of the dish on the menu. "Linguine Frutti di Mare." Which, with his southern accent, really turned out like Kris was speaking some other language.

"Impressive," Adam answered with a laugh. That's what he ordered too when the waiter came by. With salads and lots of bread. Then he settled in the booth and asked what he'd been asking every day since Kris appeared at his door. "How are you liking being human?"

Kris put his forearms on the table and leaned forward, watching Adam's face. Always watching Adam's face. "It's not bad. I like food. I like ... feeling ... touch ... the wind and the sun. I like walking too." He laughed at that. "Just not a lot of it." And he liked spending time with Adam even if he didn't say that.

"No hiking, I promise." But Adam rested his chin on his hand and looked back at Kris. Clearly, he didn't mind being stared at, because he stared right back. "Remember, if there's anything you want to do, just say so, okay?" He'd made it clear that doing things so Kris could experience them was actually kind of fun.

For a long moment they both kind of just stared at each other and it was Kris who finally looked down then away. "'kay." There was something that sparked inside him -- an emotion he wasn't completely familiar with. It was so much like that feeling he always had for Adam only, well, it was _more_.

"If I think of anything, yeah." Adam, Kris knew from the very start, was busy with following the path laid out for him and he didn't want to interfere with that. Especially after he'd seen how many times Adam would now and again veer off where he was supposed to go by means of the choices he made. Kris did not want to be a bad choice he'd make.

"Maybe later we could just sit outside your house. I'll make sure you put on sunscreen." Kris grinned, remembering Adam's trip to Tahiti and the many freckles he'd gained from it.

"And you're still bossy," Adam told him, but he was laughing too, and his cheeks colored just a little bit. "Okay, yeah, sure." And maybe Kris recognized the expression on his face or maybe not; the gentle smile and the almost-self-conscious laugh. But the waiter brought the bread then and their drinks and they could busy themselves with food.

~*~

Adam had chairs on his back deck that he'd hardly ever used and they looked into the mountains. While Kris sat in one, Adam sat in the other and he was giggling enough that his knee was pulled to his chest. "The look on your _face_ when you pulled out the squid. Oh my _God_!"

"What?" Kris was laughing, too. It was hard to contain when Adam's was so infectious. "It had _legs_, a'right? Scary looking legs!" He even waggled his fingers to describe them. "And what about those clams? Why'd they keep 'em in those hard shell things anyway? What's the point?" Kris then faced Adam, liking him more when he was like this - laughing and carefree. "You could've warned about that stuff you know?" Chalk up clams and squid to the list of things Kris didn't like to eat.

"I figured you'd know what 'frutti de mare' meant," Adam told him, chiding, but still laughing as he sprawled out on his chaise. "Since you spoke Italian and all that. Fruit of the sea. No more clams and squid for you, then." He looked back at Kris, the smile on his face slow to fade. "But we found out you like creme brulee." His legs were curled up under him, hands laced loosely over his stomach.

"I'm from Arkansas now, remember?" Kris pursed his lips trying to stop the grin that seemed to now be a permanent fixture on his face. "I like that sugar stuff on top. I think I like anything sweet." He kind of liked desserts and candy bars if his diet for the past few days were anything to go by.

"I like this, too." He waved his hand around. "Sun feels nice. Warm feels nice. Do you like summer more than winter?" Kris may know Adam as much as he did but there were still things about him he liked finding out.

"Um, well, I sweat a lot, so really hot weather isn't my favorite thing. But I don't think I could handle really-cold cold, you know? I'm too spoiled by living here all my life." Adam shrugged, looking out at the mountains, then back to Kris. "You're from Arkansas. Do you remember from before you were an angel? Or just 'angel, then Arkansas?"

"Pretty much angel then Arkansas but I'm guessing I'm gonna start remembering more of Arkansas and..." Kris looked at Adam then, kind a hint of something sad in his expression. "I guess I'm going to forget about the angel part at some point." Kris only hoped it wouldn't be soon. He liked remembering things about Adam's life and his part in it.

"Dunno if that's how it's supposed to work though." Kris shrugged and looked at the mountains, too. They were pretty; snow-capped with blue skies and white clouds around it; serene.

"They should've given you a manual or something." Reaching over, Adam touched the back of Kris's hand, then followed his gaze out to the view. "It would be sad if you forgot, I think."

Yeah, it was sad but Kris tried not to think of that and he thought of Adam,'s touch instead. It always felt so electric that Kris's whole body reacted, so unused to the sensation that it seemed bigger than it was; magnified. He liked it a lot that he even smiled as he looked at Adam's fingers touching his hand.

"Then maybe you should remember things for me?" Kris turned back to the view of the sky and he smiled. Yeah. Adam could remember for them both.

"I'll try. Sure." Adam brushed his fingers over Kris's hand and it was easy then to be quiet.

~*~

It was late; they'd taken to watching movies a lot of the nights; this was no exception. Velvet Goldmine, one of Adam's favorites. But the house was dark now and Adam stood with Kris outside the door to the guest bedroom, where Kris had been sleeping. "I guess I'll see you in the morning? Anything you want to do tomorrow?"

Kris may no longer be Adam's guardian angel but it was hard to take the feeling of responsibility and protectiveness away from him. "Don't you, uh, have to go back to work? Don't want you wastin' your time on me, y'know? You got stuff to take care of."

"I have a month off before I have to start working on my new record. I have time," Adam told him, leaning against the doorjamb, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "Besides," he said, head ducked to try to catch Kris's eye. "I don't think spending time with you is a waste."

"A month. Yeah. I ... remember." Suddenly vaguely. "I think it's why I chose this time to, you know." Kris made a gesture with his hands like something falling to the ground, whistling like it was something falling. He chuckled and then he met Adam's eyes and then Kris was completely mesmerized. "Guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Don't joke about that, okay? I feel guilty. Still. That you did that because of me. So ... don't." Reaching over, Adam touched his fingers to Kris's jaw and then he stepped back, heading toward the master bedroom. "I'll see you tomorrow. Figure out what you want to do, okay?"

Kris's skin was tingling right there were Adam touched him and he was a bit dazed, reaching for it and touching it with his own fingers as he watched Adam walk away. It felt different; Adam's touch felt more pleasant.

"'night." Kris nodded and then he walked into the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him, leaning against it. He touched his jaw again, right where Adam touched him and then Kris was smiling.

~*~

"Have one more," Adam urged, grinning like a Cheshire cat as he held up the shot glass full of something bright green. "Just one more. It'll taste good, I swear."

One more week. That was how much time was left before Adam had to start going back to the studio to work on his album. Then interviews would start again, parties, benefits, all of it. So, Adam figured it was as good a time as any to get Kris drunk. And it was _working_.

Kris winced and leaned away from the offered drink, wobbling a bit. "None of the stuff tasted good yet," he slurred. "What makes that different?" He eyed the drink, then Adam suspiciously but still he reached for the small glass. "What is it?"

"Candy Apple. It tastes good. Tart and sweet at the same time," Adam told him. He pulled Kris close though, under his arm, against his side. "How do you feel? This is like ... a truly human experience. C'mon. We'll sit down, okay?" And he started to lead Kris to the sofa.

"Candy?" Kris let Adam practically drag him toward the sofa and he was grinning at the drink in his hand, staring at the nice green color. "Might not be too bad if it's named Candy Apple, huh?" He blinked a few times trying to focus on the drink so it wouldn't spill as he moved.

"Okay. This the last one?" Adam helped him sit down and then Kris turned his head toward Adam and frowned. "Where's yours?"

"I left it over on the counter, I'll get it okay. So drink up and you can tell me how you feel." Even as they sat, he kept his arm around Kris's shoulders and Kris leaned against it.

"'m gettin' dizzy." Kris said with a frown and then again, he looked at Adam, their faces so close now. "Go get it. We'll make a toast. Or. Something." Adam was pretty, Kris thought, and he couldn't quite move or even look away.

"If I get up, you might fall over," Adam replied, laughing. "If you promise to stay upright, I'll go get it. Promise?"

Kris made some indiscernible noise but was nodding his head slowly. He shifted enough to lean against the back of the sofa, his drink now cradled in both his hands while he watched Adam.

So, after a quick trip to the counter, Adam was back, sitting on the sofa again and holding up his glass. "Okay. So what shall we toast to?"

"I dunno," Kris's brows knitted together but he scooted closer to Adam, their thighs pressed together while he raised his drink. "To ..." Slowly Kris smiled. "... being here." Which was kind of lame but it was what Kris was most happy about. Being here. Being with Adam.

"To being here." Adam clinked his shot glass against Kris's and smiled, not looking away as he threw back his drink. He'd drunk just as much as Kris did; he just had more _practice_, which Kris might have remembered.

Kris was quick to down his drink. "Now this one?" He pointed to the empty shot glass in his hand, "was sweet." Because in case Adam forgot, Kris liked sweet. His movements were sluggish now, swaying a bit even if he was still sitting down. "Whoa. The room ... it keeps ... moving."

"It's not moving, baby. You are. Or your perception is, right? But the room is still. Don't worry." Leaning over, Adam kissed Kris's hair before leaning back. "Is it good? Are you having fun?"

Soon as Kris felt Adam that close, so close, he leaned into him even more, nuzzling a little, breathing him in and finding he liked the way Adam smelled. "Mmmhmm. I am, yeah." Because everything felt pleasantly numb and far away. "It's like I'm dreaming but I'm awake."

"That's a nice thing," Adam answered. "I've never heard being drunk described that way." He rubbed along Kris's arm and shoulder. "If I had a hot tub, we'd totally go outside and use it. But I don't." His voice belied just how _very disappointed_ he was about that at that very moment in time.

"Never been drunk before," Kris replied, then he made some purring sound because Adam rubbing his arm like that felt really, _really_ good. "No hot tub but you got a tub. I like that tub." He'd only been in it once but that was more than enough to convince Kris that tubs were amazing things just as long as that soapy stuff wasn't too flowery.

"Um ... indoor tubs are .. not the same as hot tubs. It would be kind of weird to sit in the tub together. But ... yeah," Adam decided. "That would be weird. "Outdoors, we can have swim trunks on and ... in a regular tub, ... it's a little more crowded."

It takes some effort to think but then Kris was nodding his head and whoo! The room spun. "Crowded, yeah. Guess you're right ... I think I'mma lie down. Okay? I need to--" And already Kris was toeing off his shoes and he was putting his legs across the seat of the sofa all the while still leaning against Adam.

"You want to watch a movie or something? I don't usually just sit around and get drunk," Adam told him, still petting along his arm. "It usually dancing and that kind of thing. But I didn't think that was a good idea for your first time, you know?"

"I can't dance." At least, Kris didn't think he could. "And you don't usually sit around. Period. You were all over the place. Club after club. Party here and there. Concert. Appearances. Press and stuff. Man ... it was hard keeping you all safe and stuff but I think I managed just fine." Kris would like to think he did. Well, not him, him but the old him, the angel him. Or was that a dream, too? He couldn't tell anymore.

"You did a great job." By this time Adam's fingers were carding through Kris's hair. "You were, like, the best angel a guy could even ask for. As I told you. Constantly. God, I hit on you _so much_. I was so in love with you, it wasn't even funny!"

Kris being the best angel was questionable but he didn't say anything about that. It was done. Finished, and he was here now. With Adam who was in love with him. Was.

"You scared me you know? That one time you were drunk. You were so _angry_." Kris wondered briefly if he took another few drinks if he'd go as far as Adam did that night. Down to confessing things Kris felt. But then that thought quickly diffuses and the only thing Kris thought about was Adam's fingers that were combing through his hair.

"I was an _idiot_." Kris could feel Adam shrug. "Absolute idiot I'm surprised you weren't told to punish me. I mean, I'm glad you weren't, mind you," Adam told him. "But I deserved it."

"Angels don't punish. Duh." Kris pushed off of Adam's chest and he looked at him, face real close, his eyes narrowed and stern. "Don't you still get it? Angels are all about love, man. From the time I got you as my charge and you came out all red-haired and loud, me? I loved you. Angels? That's what we do. We love ... or they ... love. They." Ugh, his head was spinning.

"Kris ... it's okay." Adam looked back at him, perplexed, head cocked to the side. "In the old testament, angels punish. I mean ... not that I'm an expert or anything."

Kris scrubbed his face with a hand. "Ever heard of guardian angels punishing anyone? That's not us - them - a'right?" He looked up and whispered, "little help here?" And then Kris laughed. That was stupid. It wasn't as if the angels would appear now, right? At least not to him. "Never mind." He shook his head and boy, was that a mistake. He groaned and leaned against Adam's shoulder.

"Poor baby. You went straight to miserable drunk, do not stop for fun-drunk. Hmm. There's a lesson here." Adam said. He urged Kris to his feet, then got to his own, arm tight around Kris's shoulder. "We'll walk and have some water, okay? Let's walk." And he took a few steps toward the kitchen. "I bet you regret it, don't you? Becoming human. That's my fault, anyway."

Kris stopped, one hand he pressed against the wall to hold his balance and then he looked directly at Adam. "It's not your fault, I told you. I chose to do this and I don't regret it." Kris reached out and though drunk and not completely in control of his faculties, his touch to Adam's cheek was warm, gentle, sure. "...not one bit."

At the touch, Adam's eyelids fluttered a little bit and he leaned into the touch before he caught himself. He covered Kris's hand and slid it so he could kiss Kris's palm before letting it go. "We're walking. Let's walk. Water, right?"

"Yeah," Kris nodded, "yeah..." Kris looked down on his palm because it was as if the feel of Adam's lips were still lingering there. "Why'd you do that?" He looked up, his palm still open, his finger tracing circles where Adam's lips just were.

"Um ... I don't know," Adam told him. "I wanted to?" At the sink, he pulled two glasses from the cabinet, then poured water into one at a time. It was a slow process as he held on to Kris. "I feel guilty about you being drunk, too."

"Pfft! If I wanted to stop I could've. Seen you drunk one too many times, you know." He poked Adam in the chest, still leaning against him, peering up at his face. "I want to be here, 'kay? _I_ want to be _here_ with _you_."

"Okay, okay, ow. You have pokey fingers." Adam laughed just a little bit and he held Kris's wrist, glasses sitting on the counter. "I'm glad you're here, too, Kris. I am. Okay? Really glad."

Hearing Adam say that made Kris smile real bright and a little goofy. Adam wanted him there, too, even after all the mistakes he made, they both still had a connection. "Might be hard to be rid of me now." He smiled and picked up his glass, downing the water, still holding on to Adam's hand.

"Oh, yeah? Well, you don't have anywhere to go, do you," Adam told him, laughing. "It's not like I'm going to kick you out on the street. Or out of my bed."

Whoops! Adam blinked and winced. "Sorry! I ... have less of a filter when I'm drunk. Just ... you know. Remember that. And not what I said."

Kris almost choked at the water he was drinking and he quickly put the glass down on the counter with a clunk. "Uhm..." His face felt hotter than it had earlier when he was drinking those colorful shots. "Did you, um, want me in your bed?" Cos he'd been. He remembered though vague now, comforting Adam in his bed.

"I ... am not going to answer that on the grounds that it will inciner - er - I mean - I plead the fifth. Okay? I ... I plead the fifth." Adam picked up his own glass of water and drained it all back, clearly hoping to drown himself in the water.

_Oh_. Belatedly Kris understood what Adam _really_ meant and his eyes widened and he ducked his head. He looked at his glass and wished there was still water there so he could hide his face and do something with his hands.

"Uh, Okay. Maybe we should sleep this off, huh?" Kris winced and looked away. In separate beds was what he meant. Geez.

For a moment, Adam looked just as lost as he had back when Kris was still an angel. But he nodded. "Yeah ... probably should." He got the bottle of aspirin from the cabinet, too, and tapped out some for each of them, leaving Kris's on the counter. "You ... do you need help to your room?"

The whole awkward conversation made him sober some but when Kris caught the look - and he never liked seeing that on Adam's face - he sobered up even more. He ignored the aspirin and the question and instead, he took a step toward Adam.

Then, just like he had always done many, many times before, Kris reached out and touched Adam while he shook his head, his eyes warm, concerned, worried. "I'm here, 'kay? I'm not going anywhere." Kris had no plans to. His fingers grazed Adam's forehead, Kris frowning at the lines there. He then let them slide down to his cheeks, the touch gentle, tender, fingertips tracing around Adam's lips before Kris reluctantly pulled them away. "Don't think too much."

"Your hands are always warm," Adam whispered. "I always think too much. You know that." He leaned in, catching Kris's chin and he kissed him, quick, more a press of lips to lips before he was moving down the hall to the bedroom, hand trailing in the wall as he went. Kris could hear the soft click of the bedroom door closing.

~*~

Two days before Adam was set to go back in the studio and the slight line of tension that had existed between Kris and Adam since the ill-fated drunken night hadn't gone away. It hovered at the edges, around things. Adam would look at Kris, until Kris met his gaze, then Adam would look away; that kind of thing. Add to that that despite everything, in the whole month that Adam had had off, he hadn't gone out, not once.

That hadn't gone unnoticed by Adam's friends, who would call, text and email. But tonight, there was a ring of the doorbell and it wasn't delivery. Clad in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, Adam answered the door, only to be faced by Cassidy, Brad and Ferras. "You," Brad declared. "Are coming out with us."

"Um." Adam looked down at himself and back at his friends, who glittered. "I'm not really feeling like going out."

"Since when has that ever stopped you? You're coming out." Brad pushed past Adam into the house. Cassidy followed with a grin and a shrug of his shoulders and Ferras just smiled, asking "Where have you been, anyway?"

"Here ... I've just been here. Listen. I need to - " Adam started, shutting the door to follow his friends into the house. "I can't really - "

But it was too late. When Adam caught up to them, they were in a line at the door to the kitchen and they were staring at Kris, who was looking back at them. "Um. This is Kris."

Brad just arched a brow. "So, you're why Adam hasn't been returning calls."

Kris looked from one to the next, having some idea who they were and then he shrugged his shoulder. "I'm not why he's not returning calls." He pointed at Adam. "That's his choice." He then smiled and offered his hand.

"Uh-huh." Brad took Kris's hand though and gave it a shake. "I'm Brad. That's Cassidy and Ferras. We're Adam's friends. Has he told you about us?"

"Brad - " Adam sighed, looking over Brad's shoulder at Kris with a clear _sorry!_ look on his face.

Kris just smiled brightly at the men in Adam's kitchen. "I know you, yeah." More than Brad realized, but yeah. He turned to Adam. "If you wanna go, go." Meeting Adam's gaze with Kris clearly saying that Adam needed to do this for himself, minus Kris.

"What?" Brad asked, still looking Kris over. "You wouldn't come, too? If you're Adam's Big Thing, you need to come dancing."

"He doesn't - " Adam pushed his way through to stand between Brad and Kris. "He doesn't dance."

"I don't dance," Kris shook his head and wrinkled his nose. "It's a'right. I'm not Adam's anything so y'all should go and have fun. I'm fine right here."

Three sets of eyes looked back at them, clearly disbelieving. Adam? Have a cute boy in the house and it not be anything? _Yeah, right_.

"It's complicated," Adam attempted to explain.

"Uh-huh," Brad answered, clearly the spokesperson for the group. "We'll we're going to Nabu. Meet us there if you want to."

And just like that, they were all gone. When Adam had closed the door behind them, he turned to Kris. "Sorry about that."

"Don't have to apologize to me." Kris searched Adam's face, looked in his eyes. "You should go meet them." Even if everything in Kris's being was saying go with Adam, if only to make sure he was fine, happy, safe. It was no longer his place.

"I don't - I mean I do want to go dancing. Some time. But ... " Adam came closer until he was just two feet from Kris. "I don't want to feel this way any more. With you. All weird. I shouldn't have gotten you drunk and I shouldn't have said what I said. But I can't help how I feel about you, Kris. I can't."

Kris looked up at Adam, his face void of expression but his heart beating hard. "And how do you feel ... about me?"

"I'm probably going to make things worse, but I was in love with you as an angel and now you're here and you're totally cute and sweet and earnest and amazing and everything I felt, it's back and I'm sorry, okay? I won't, like, molest you or anything, but ... " Adam shrugged, almost helplessly. "I ... I'm totally in love with you."

Everything Adam said, Kris knew, but somehow, now, he could also relate and it was like some revelation that wouldn't have dawned on him if not for something like a whisper he swore he could hear.

So. This is love.

Kris just stared at Adam and then slowly, he smiled. He closed the distance between them, reaching out and cupping Adam's face in his hands. "You think too much." And then Kris kissed him, on his toes and it was his first kiss and it was like nothing he'd ever felt before.

Adam ended up holding Kris's face in his hands and kissing him back and if the tension in his body was anything to be believed, it was clear he was holding himself back. But he kissed Kris back. He kissed him back over and over and over again before he finally pulled away, his cheeks flush, his eyes wide. "... wow."

Once Kris pulled back, he looked at Adam, those flushed cheeks, the reddened lips, how bright his blue eyes were, and well, Kris thought he'd never seen anyone so beautiful. Everything came rushing back, the love he'd always felt for Adam since the very beginning, magnified a thousandfold that emotions seemed to pour out of him in waves.

It was a lot overwhelming that he found himself mimicking Adam. "Wow." And then he chuckled and ducked his head, unsure what to do or what else to say.

"Was that your first kiss?" Adam asked Kris quietly. "Was I your first kiss?" When Kris nodded, Adam leaned in again and kissed him again.

~*~

_six months later..._

There would be much talk about how Adam not only made an angel fall, but made him _gay_. Adam actually felt really guilty about this, believe it or not. He didn't have a goal of subverting and perverting angels, in case anyone was curious. But as Kris forgot how it was to be an angel, Adam didn't forget; he remembered for the both of them. But when Adam and Kris were both lying in bed on a Saturday morning, he found he cared _less_. He hooked a leg between Kris's and smiled down at him. "I think we really should go dancing. I bet you can dance."

"I can do the chicken dance?" Kris laughed. "I'm good at it, too."

"You were an angel. You can do more than the chicken dance. How do you even know the chicken dance anyway?!" Adam had to laugh. "If that's one thing you know, that's a weird thing to know." But under the covers, he slid his hand down Kris's side, resting it on his hip, warm and strong. "I bet you'd have fun."

"Quit calling me an angel. I'm no angel. Especially not after what we just did." Kris chuckled, tickled from Adam's touch. "If you wanna, sure. I can chicken dance here, I can chicken dance in a club. Show you how they do things in Arkansas." He couldn't help the laughter now, pushing at Adam, rolling on top of him, hands bracing himself up. "You sure you wanna do that? Go out? There'll be paps following, y'know?"

"There was a party," Adam said, smiling up at him. "Back before you remember. Cassidy asked me who was making me smiley." He touched his fingers to Kris's mouth. "You make me smiley. I don't care if they take our picture if you don't."

Kris dipped his head down for a kiss. "I don't care 'bout me but if it's going to bug you..." He didn't finish. He didn't need to. Adam knew only too well how protective he could be.

"Why should it bug me? I have this amazing guy." Adam curved a hand around the back of Kris's head, keeping him there, sprinkling his words between kisses. "I would tell the whole world, actually. Shout it from the mountaintops."

His arms gave and then Kris found himself pressed over Adam's chest, kissing back. He could stay like this forever. Just lying here and kissing but... "We'll get our picture taken cos that's safer than mountain climbing. You're not goin' mountain climbing a'right? I'm not goin' to save your ass if you fall over the side of a mountain and--"

Adam cut Kris off with a kiss. Now who was thinking too much?


End file.
